Announcer voice: Next on BBC2, it's Supersize vs. 10 Years Younger than You Are What Not To Eat with Gok Wan and Gillian McKeith...

Gok: [spoken] And ladies, remember - in order to look good naked, the most important thing to have is confidence in yourself! These slimming knickers and push-up bra will make everyone believe that you look the way you should look. The way you deserve to look...

Whenever I see someone less fashionable than I,
And let's face it, who isn't less fashionable than I?
My sympathy goes out to them in droves
When someone's life is going wrong
I know that they would still feel strong
If they could just coordinate their clothes

And even though you're old and fat
And there's nothing I can do about that
I'll help you as you cover up your flaws
Open new doors
And what is more, you'll be ac-

I'll make you acceptable!
No more little kinks and quirks
'Cause your outfit works
And your hair has lots of bounce.
So what if you miss the news
While you shop for shoes
You'll have knowledge where it counts

You'll be bearable!
I'll help you be bearable!
Just 5.99 plus tax
For a jar of wax
'Cause you can't just let it grow
So let's start
'Cause there's just so much you don't seem to know

A mind is fine my dear but style's worth ten of it
Think of it in terms of cost and benefit
You're a lady in a world of men and it
Will never wake up
To you without make-up
That's why I'll make you

I choose what is passable
So you better toe the line
And keep looking fine
If you want to earn respect
You're a vehicle for my design
What more do you expect?

La la, la la
I'm gonna make you bearable

When I see outstanding lasses
Standing out in geeky glasses
I tell them for their own good to make some changes
All that drive and all that passion
Could be spent following fashion
Who needs a Nobel prize if you accept it dressed like that?

It's just unbearable
Please buy something wearable
It's not about what's inside
It's a way to hide
To be what others want to be
And never even half as good as ME!

And though you rebel
With black khol and gel
You know quite well it's true
So smile as though you mean it
Be average, mediocre you

La la, la la
You'll be bearable!
But never even half as good as ME!

You're the Top

You're the top!
You're the Coliseum.
You're the top!
You're the Louvre Museum.
You're a melody from a symphony by Strauss
You're a Bendel bonnet,
A Shakespeare sonnet,
You're Mickey Mouse.
You're the Nile,
You're the Tower of Pisa,
You're the smile on the Mona Lisa
I'm a worthless check, a total wreck, a flop,
But if, baby, I'm the bottom you're the top!

You're the top
You're a mean school teacher
You're the top
You're a dangerous creature
You're a heady night full of torture, fright, and pain
You're the head librarian
Wield your cane!
You're the priest
I'm a commandment breaker
I'm deceased
You're the undertaker
You're a homophobic, misogynistic cop
But if baby I'm the bottom, you're the top!

You're the top
You're a harsh slave-owner
You're the top
And I'm your blood donor
You're the demon dentist who said she'd "fill you in"
You're a Roman goddess in a latex bodice
Give me discipline!
You're the boss
I'm your secretary
I'm agnostic I'm missionary
I'm down on my knees, so hold up your riding crop
And if baby I'm the bottom, you're the top!

You're the top
You're the potions master
You're the top
No-one stirs me faster
You're the film director who said she'd make you big
Oh stop protesting - you like animal testing?
I'm your guinea pig!
You're the king
I'm the humble peasant
Here's the thing
That ain't so unpleasant
Oh it hurts so good, let it never ever stop
And if baby I'm the bottom, you're the top!

Love Story

We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I'm standing there
On a balcony in summer air

See the girls
See the guys and the couples,
I see you make your way through the crowd
And say hello, little did I know
That you were Juliet, and no one could be better
Though my daddy said I wish that you had never met her
But I felt a little different
And I think that it was starting to show

and I said
Juliet let's go somewhere we can be alone
I've got you so who needs Romeo
You'll be a princess, I'll be a princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

I sneak out to the garden to see you
We explore 'cause we don't know what to do
So close your eyes
Get lost in me for a little while
Oh, 'cause you were Juliet, you were my secret treasure
Even though they said we did those things for some guy's pleasure
They wouldn't have believed that
If they could have seen us alone

and I said
Juliet let's go somewhere we can be alone
I've got you so who needs Romeo
You'll be a princess, I'll be a princess
It's a love story, baby just say yes

Juliet help me,
They're trying to tell me how to feel
This love's atypical, but it's real
Partnership's civil, but only a second best
It's a love story,
When can we say yes?

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if we could ever truly come out
My faith in love was fading
And gay marriage bills were getting turned down
And I said
Juliet help me, it's seeming more and more absurd
Why do these people think that we'll corrupt their word?
I just want to love you, why is that a sin?
She knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring
And said,

Marry me Juliet
We'll show them how true love should be
I love you and we deserve equality
And one day we'll marry, we won't settle for less,
It's a love story baby just say yes

'Cause we were both young when I first saw you

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Photography by Andrew Gray

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